Posted 5/2/13 @ 11:58 AM
How do men feel about being used only for sex? Thrilled or turned-off? Or maybe thrilled at first, then turned off?
This is a matter of gender perspective. Men love sex, which is a clear understatement, but there is much more to this commonality than one may think.
Nearly every action that a man partakes upon is fundamentally based in his attempt to find a sustainable source of physical intimacy. This is why we shave, seek high paying jobs and purchase fancy, materialistic items. The ultimate goal in most of our endeavors is to make ourselves more appealing to women so that we may partake in physical intercourse whenever we so desire.
Believing that you are “using” a man simply for sex, may be a bit misguided. For us, this level of access, without any of the necessary responsibilities or obligations of a full blown relationship, is often perceived as a reward.
The only drawback is that, we enjoy this scenario SO much that a male is highly likely to grow attached to the situation. This attachment will soon foster feelings of possessiveness and exclusivity. Over time, it is highly likely that he will want a full fledged relationship, not necessarily because he deeply cares for you, but more so because of the arrangement that you are willing to provide.
It would be prudent to evaluate your feelings for this person. Do you maintain the sexual relationship because you like him as a person; Or, do you only like him because of his sexual attributes? At some point, a man will want some clarity about the situation. It’s best to already know how you feel when that moment arises.
Just a little insight.
For more detailed information, refer to Chapter 4 in The Dating Man’s Mind, entitled “The Truth”.
Still ONLY 2.99 for this life changing guide.
It’s been over a year now. Thank you for the support.
Posted 5/2/13 @ 10:28 AM
Posted 5/2/13 @ 10:14 AM
I have been with this guy for probably 6 months now. He is not from my country but is working here and looking at getting permanent residency. His job makes him travel interstate 3 weeks at a time. He has referred to me as 'his mrs', took me to his friends wedding in Thailand, has met my parents and calls and texts when he can (this is not everyday, he is irish and quite blokey). However, he recently said he got scared about getting attached in case he wants to go home eventually- what do i do??
His fear emanates from two separate sources.
The first of these is his desire not to hurt you. It appears that you all are in a deeply committed, positive relationship. In scenarios such as these, emotions will become anchored and can be quite painful to unhook. If he were to move away, he knows that it would hurt you deeply and he looks to avoid that.
The second fear (that most men have) is that of wasting time. It takes so much sacrifice, emotion and dedication for us to become completely involved in a relationship. If any thought prompts us to believe that this connection will dissolve; Men will naturally begin to proceed with an heir of caution.
Overall, he is looking for certainty and reassurance. He knows that moving back home is a possibility, but he does not know how you would react if he were to do so (and most people, male and female, fear the unknown.). It is important to make a hypothetical decision and to inform him of it. Would you move to his country with him? Would you try to maintain an international long distance relationship? Whatever you decide may ultimately change the course of his actions. It will also allow him to know how to proceed, whether that is diving in head first and becoming even more attached or if it is to just take things lightly until he can settle down.
With either outcome, the both of you will be more informed of how the other feels and will know how to proceed in the future.
I hope this helps.
Posted 2/15/13 @ 10:08 AM
I've been talking with this guy I met online for like a year. We started as penpals, but at some points I eventually developed my feelings for him. He knew that and he said he considered me a friend since we hadn't met in person. And he has been keeping his options open. I can't think of him as just friends. And I can't remove myself from the "friendship" either. This is unhealthy. What should I do? Thanks!
The best course of action in this scenario is to be completely upfront and honest.
This may be challenging to do, because the fear of rejection can serve as a prominent obstacle. But if he has been entertaining your conversation for a year, there is certainly some intrigue on his part. The one thing that most men will not do, is waste time on a woman that he does not see as a potential romantic interest.
So tell him how your truly feel and more importantly, why you feel that way. Regardless of his response (hopefully for the better), the air will be cleared and you all will both know how to proceed in the future.
I hope this helps.
Posted 2/14/13 @ 10:10 AM
I wish I found this blog earlier :( Me and this guy were in this stupid limbo when you both really like eachother but nothing happened because I was too scared to show him I was interested in fear of rejection. I wanted to do some physical contact but each time we made plans, it didn't work out so it never happened and then he thought I was into his friend. This is the worst feeling ever because now he's dating someone else and I know he easily could've been mine if I just hadn't been so dumb :(
You are certainly not dumb.
One of the biggest components required in order to engage in a successful relationship is timing. Unfortunately, this is an intangible factor that is outside of our control.
The common colloquialisms “Everything happens for a reason” & “If it is meant to be, it will be” come to mind. But, you can believe these at your discretion. The one thing that holds true is that if the opportunity arises again, a man will be extremely proactive in his attempt to inform you about his sincere feelings.
I hope this helps.
Valentine’s day is here! I really appreciate the viewership and loyalty of everyone who reads this site. My book, The Dating Man’s Mind: How men think. What men do. Why we do it. is STILL availablefor the special V-Day price of 2.99!
I encourage you to take full advantage of the offer. I would like for everyone to have the most romantic and engaging Valentine’s Day as possible!
You can purchase this gift for a friend or yourself at Amazon, here:
or from Barnes and Noble here,
—The Dating Man’s Mind
Posted 2/14/13 @ 9:35 AM
Posted 2/14/13 @ 9:26 AM
Do you have an acebook page? If so, what is your name under on there? thanks...
I do not retain a facebook page in regards to this blog or book.
Although, I do have a twitter! Follow me here @datingmansmind
Thanks for writing.
Posted 2/5/13 @ 12:02 PM
There's this guy I like at my college. We met at a mixer earlier this week, and I feel like we hit it off pretty well. I really want to get to know him better, maybe even get coffee or something. He works in the library and I was wondering how to flirt with him a little better? What are some things guys really like when it comes to flirting, without making it super obvious?
As men, we crave physical attention.
In a vast majority of societies around the globe, the social construct of a “man” is based upon one’s ability to repress emotion, to show no need for affection. Our perceived strength is measured in our solitude. Because of this, most young boys are raised through childhood and we accept in manhood, the lack of physical touch in our daily lives.
The only people whom we allow to touch us without offense, are those who we feel truly care about us ( primarily family ). So when a woman (or anyone for that matter) initiates physical contact, a man will regard that action as an invitation to become closely acquainted. He will then respond appropriately based upon how he feels towards this person.
If you can find a general reason to shake this person’s hand; You have then opened up the possibility for a pat on the back or even a hug. By initiating the simple physical contact, a man will quickly recognize your interest, without allowing you to be perceived as coming on too strong. Hopefully, some progressive conversation will ensue after the ice has been broken.
I hope this helps.
Posted 2/5/13 @ 11:24 AM
I dated a man for 2mos. Went on a long vacation & when I came back he said we lost our connection & should stay friends. The past month we started having sex again. (FWB) He inquires about any new men in my life & stresses the importance of honesty with each other not sleeping with anyone else. He gets jealous when I flirt with other men, wants me to stay the night, cuddle or hang out often, even without sex. We have a ton of chemistry. It feels like we're dating again. What's his deal?
This scenario is not as convoluted as one may think.
It is a frequently accepted notion that men have “needs”. This colloquialism refers to the physiological dependency that many men have to sensual physical interaction. When you were on extended leave, this man had to fulfill his “addiction” via some other source. This is why the “connection” was lost. It is quite possible that he quickly, albeit temporarily re-established that connection with someone else in order to nourish that need.
Upon your return, the connection that he prefers (you) was re-established. He is now trying to solidify the relationship and subsequently, the connection by displaying his immediate interest in you. This way, he will not not find himself without a resource for physical or emotional support ever again.
Just a little insight.
I want to thank you all for your continued interest and support of the book and this blog. I know that I have been extremely absent from the site. At the moment, life has been pulling me in several directions.
Despite this, I am dedicating ALL of tomorrow, 2-5-13, to answer as many questions and concerns as possible.
The ability to help others is an enormous part of my life. I have not forgotten about you.
— The Dating Man’s Mind.
Posted 2/5/13 @ 2:07 AM
Posted 12/18/12 @ 1:07 PM
I'm in a fwb rs with this guy. After the first time we got intimate, he took me out to dinner and paid for it for the first time. He continues texting me everyday, and he video calls me every night until morning. The other day he told me that he had kissed someone else and then later kept asking me if I believed him after I expressed a bit of jealousy. He also referred to us as "dating" once and after I asked about it he changed the subject and refused to talk about it. What is he thinking?
From an early age, most men are circumstantially conditioned to say or do whatever they believe a woman wants to hear or see in order to obtain their goals. These goals may be short term, as in getting out of an argument or long term, as in maintaing a physical relationship.
Ironically enough, men have no inkling of the female thought process. Therefore, when we attempt to act on your behalf; Our efforts are often in vain.
The guy you are involved with, texts on a regular basis and partakes in these video calls, because in his mind, to do so is routine maintenance in regards to the FWB relationship. These actions are not necessarily sincere. It seems like they occur because he feels as if he HAS to do these things, opposed to simply WANTING to them.
In order to avoid the confusion that his actions bring forth; It is important to verbalize your wants and what actions you require of him, that will result in what he wants. A newfound level of transparency, will bring everything into the light, leaving no room for contradictory actions or confusion.
I hope this helps.
Posted 12/13/12 @ 1:36 PM
I started seeing this guy in August. He works full time and goes to grad school at night so he has zero time. We broke up bc I didn't think he was putting in enough effort. We started talking again last week and decided to be "casually exclusive" we can date other people, but we don't have sex with anyone else. I am worried about getting hurt bc I did have feelings for this guy and being intimate is sure to bring them back. Could this have the possibility of turning into a relationship?
A relationship is possible if his schedule allows for it. Until that changes, the dynamic between the two of you will remain as it stands.
Currently, your friend is making time for what he finds important, which is intimacy. In regards to the other dynamics of a relationship, his actions will show his true intentions. If he wants to spend quality time, he will arrange his schedule in order to do so. If he wants to date you, he will take you on dates. It is as simple as that. The exact same energy, effort and time that’s required to engage in intercourse can also be used to build the foundation of a strong relationship.
Pay attention to his actions and you will have your answer. If he is not willingly making an attempt to engage in any activity outside of the bedroom then; It is up to you to make an emotional reaction that you are comfortable with.
I hope this helps.
Posted 11/8/12 @ 7:27 PM
Okay so, I've been with this guy for almost 2 years and we broke up in august but we've been seeing each other since then. Like we do everything we used to do when we were "boyfriend and girlfriend" it's like we're still in a relationship. Everyone knows about us. They know were not together" but we ask like were dating. He doesn't want to put a label on us. What does that mean? What do I do? What are we?
When a man does not want to assign a title to repeated social and intimate interactions, it simply means that he is not ready for a committed relationship with anyone.
For most males, a title brings about a lot of self imposed (and maybe expected) pressure, responsibility and accountability. Failure to live up to these expectations can often serve as the foundation for arguments among couples. The relationship can eventually fail to be fun for one or both parties.
This is why most men prefer the scenario that you currently occupy…a friend with benefits (FWB) situation. It is all of the fun, with none of the calories so to speak. It is important to note that the only reason that he feels that this dynamic is acceptable is because you allow it to persist. As a result, the time frame in which he is comfortable with this arrangement may severely outlast the time in which you are willing to wait for a concrete relationship to congeal . If you want the dynamic to change, you have to change your actions. Decide to be just friends, with nothing physical taking place between the two of you or you have to develop a very high level of patience. Either way the choice is yours.
I hope this helps.
For more info, please refer to Chapters, 14 and 15 in The Dating Man’s Mind, entitled “Friends With Benefits” and “Labels”, respectively.
The Book may be found here…
Posted 9/11/12 @ 8:14 AM
My bf and I had been together for 3 years. 7 months ago, he lost his best friend of twenty years to heart failure. Two months later his mother was diagnose with terminal ancient and he became her sole caregiver. He broke up with me shortly after and I caught him with another girl. He said it was nt serious and was a distraction from all the overwhelming circumstances. His mother died a month ago and is still no title even though he treats me like his GF. What do I do?
In this situation it is very important to evaluate how you see yourself in his future.
As you know, in (relationships, especially those that have weathered the test of time) intense, dramatic and life altering situations are bound to occur…as they have with you and your boyfriend. This has also given you insight into how he deals with stress and times of intense difficulty. He reacted by shutting you out and then finding an alternate female companion during the interim. More importantly, when the situation was over, you allowed him to return without incident. By doing so, this gives him no choice but to believe that his actions were acceptable to you.
Dramatic situations are bound to occur again. It is human nature to encounter adversity. Another family member may become ill. Your boyfriend may lose his job. Hopefully, these things will not happen, although the possibilities of drama, stress and struggle still exist. You must decide for yourself if you are willing to deal with how he is going to react. More importantly, you have to decide if you deserve to deal with his reactions.
— I hope this helps.
Posted 4/18/12 @ 8:07 PM
My ex-bf of 2 yrs and I have finally reestablished contact and according to him we are currently "dating" and "working on it." We're not labeled and he hasn't told his family or friends we're seeing each other. It's making me feel insecure which is in turn affecting the way I approach the relationship. He says he's in "100%" and not seeing anyone else. He even told me that he stopped to a woman he met months ago because he doesn't want to jeopardize us. How do I get him to commit fully? - Help!
I often encounter female friends who feel that their male counterparts have commitment issues.
After hearing their concerns, a commonality is that men and women have two entirely different methods in which commitment is displayed. A vast majority of men commit through their actions. Much like your male friend, they will cease romantic interactions with other females and make conscious attempts to be supportive and romantic towards you. As men, we do not view a title as a definite sign of our loyalty towards a significant other. There are many a man who are willing to say that you are his girlfriend, although he still acts in an aloof manner and pursues the interest of other women.
It is your prerogative to establish what commitment means to you. I urge you to not overlook his actions in lieu of a title. At the same time, if he is not willing to divulge the re-established relationship to his family and friends; That may show that his feelings are not as strong. Hopefully, the positive actions will outweigh the negative.
I hope this helps.