The Dating Man's Mind.

This is a matter of gender perspective.  Men love sex, which is a clear understatement, but there is much more to this commonality than one may think.

Nearly every action that a man partakes upon is fundamentally based in his attempt to find a sustainable source of physical intimacy.  This is why we shave, seek high paying jobs and purchase fancy, materialistic items.  The ultimate goal in most of our endeavors is to make ourselves more appealing to women so that we may partake in physical intercourse whenever we so desire.

Believing that you are “using” a man simply for sex, may be a bit misguided.  For us, this level of access, without any of the necessary responsibilities or obligations of a full blown relationship, is often perceived as a reward.

The only drawback is that, we enjoy this scenario SO much that a male is highly likely to grow attached to the situation.  This attachment will soon foster feelings of possessiveness and exclusivity.  Over time, it is highly likely that he will want a full fledged relationship, not necessarily because he deeply cares for you, but more so because of the arrangement that you are willing to provide.  

It would be prudent to evaluate your feelings for this person.  Do you maintain the sexual relationship because you like him as a person;  Or, do you only like him because of his sexual attributes?  At some point, a man will want some clarity about the situation.  It’s best to already know how you feel when that moment arises.

Just a little insight.

For more detailed information, refer to Chapter 4 in The Dating Man’s Mind, entitled “The Truth”.

His fear emanates from two separate sources.

The first of these is his desire not to hurt you.  It appears that you all are in a deeply committed, positive relationship.  In scenarios such as these, emotions will become anchored and can be quite painful to unhook.  If he were to move away, he knows that it would hurt you deeply and he looks to avoid that.

The second fear (that most men have) is that of wasting time.  It takes so much sacrifice, emotion and dedication for us to become completely involved in a relationship.  If any thought prompts us to believe that this connection will dissolve; Men will naturally begin to proceed with an heir of caution.

Overall, he is looking for certainty and reassurance.  He knows that moving back home is a possibility, but he does not know how you would react if he were to do so (and most people, male and female, fear the unknown.).  It is important to make a hypothetical decision and to inform him of it.  Would you move to his country with him? Would you try to maintain an international long distance relationship?  Whatever you decide may ultimately change the course of his actions.  It will also allow him to know how to proceed, whether that is diving in head first and becoming even more attached or if it is to just take things lightly until he can settle down.

With either outcome, the both of you will be more informed of how the other feels and will know how to proceed in the future.

I hope this helps. 

The best course of action in this scenario is to be completely upfront and honest.

This may be challenging to do, because the fear of rejection can serve as a prominent obstacle.  But if he has been entertaining your conversation for a year, there is certainly some intrigue on his part.  The one thing that most men will not do, is waste time on a woman that he does not see as a potential romantic interest.

So tell him how your truly feel and more importantly, why you feel that way.  Regardless of his response (hopefully for the better), the air will be cleared and you all will both know how to proceed in the future. 

I hope this helps. 

You are certainly not dumb.

One of the biggest components required in order to engage in a successful relationship is timing.  Unfortunately, this is an intangible factor that is outside of our control.

The common colloquialisms “Everything happens for a reason” & “If it is meant to be, it will be” come to mind.  But, you can believe these at your discretion.  The one thing that holds true is that if the opportunity arises again, a man will be extremely proactive in his attempt to inform you about his sincere feelings.  

I hope this helps. 

Hi, 

I do not retain a facebook page in regards to this blog or book.  

Although, I do have a twitter! Follow me here @datingmansmind

Thanks for writing. 

As men, we crave physical attention.

In a vast majority of societies around the globe, the social construct of a “man” is based upon one’s ability to repress emotion, to show no need for affection.  Our perceived strength is measured in our solitude.  Because of this, most young boys are raised through childhood and we accept in manhood, the lack of physical touch in our daily lives. 

The only people whom we allow to touch us without offense, are those who we feel truly care about us ( primarily family ).  So when a woman (or anyone for that matter) initiates physical contact, a man will regard that action as an invitation to become closely acquainted.  He will then respond appropriately based upon how he feels towards this person.

 If you can find a general reason to shake this person’s hand; You have then opened up the possibility for a pat on the back or even a hug.  By initiating the simple physical contact, a man will quickly recognize your interest, without allowing you to be perceived as coming on too strong. Hopefully, some progressive conversation will ensue after the ice has been broken.

I hope this helps. 

This scenario is not as convoluted as one may think. 

It is a frequently accepted notion that men have “needs”.  This colloquialism refers to the physiological dependency that many men have to sensual physical interaction. When you were on extended leave, this man had to fulfill his “addiction” via some other source.  This is why the “connection” was lost.  It is quite possible that he quickly, albeit temporarily re-established that connection with someone else in order to nourish that need.

Upon your return, the connection that he prefers (you) was re-established.  He is now trying to solidify the relationship and subsequently, the connection by displaying his immediate interest in you.  This way, he will not not find himself without a resource for physical or emotional support ever again.

Just a little insight.  

From an early age, most men are circumstantially conditioned to say or do whatever they believe a woman wants to hear or see in order to obtain their goals.  These goals may be short term, as in getting out of an argument or long term, as in maintaing a physical relationship.

Ironically enough, men have no inkling of the female thought process.  Therefore, when we attempt to act on your behalf; Our efforts are often in vain.  

The guy you are involved with, texts on a regular basis and partakes in these video calls, because in his mind, to do so is routine maintenance   in regards to the FWB relationship.  These actions are not necessarily sincere.  It seems like they occur because he feels as if he HAS to do these things, opposed to simply WANTING to them. 

In order to avoid the confusion that his actions bring forth; It is important to verbalize your wants and what actions you require of him, that will result in what he wants.  A newfound level of transparency, will bring everything into the light, leaving no room for contradictory actions or confusion. 

I hope this helps. 

A relationship is possible if his schedule allows for it. Until that changes, the dynamic between the two of you will remain as it stands.

Currently, your friend is making time for what he finds important, which is intimacy. In regards to the other dynamics of a relationship, his actions will show his true intentions. If he wants to spend quality time, he will arrange his schedule in order to do so. If he wants to date you, he will take you on dates. It is as simple as that. The exact same energy, effort and time that’s required to engage in intercourse can also be used to build the foundation of a strong relationship. 

Pay attention to his actions and you will have your answer.  If he is not willingly making an attempt to engage in any activity outside of the bedroom then; It is up to you to make an emotional reaction that you are comfortable with.

I hope this helps.

When a man does not want to assign a title to repeated social and intimate interactions, it simply means that he is not ready for a committed relationship with anyone.

For most males, a title brings about a lot of self imposed (and maybe expected) pressure, responsibility and accountability. Failure to live up to these expectations can often serve as the foundation for arguments among couples. The relationship can eventually fail to be fun for one or both parties.

This is why most men prefer the scenario that you currently occupy…a friend with benefits (FWB) situation.  It is all of the fun, with none of the calories so to speak. It is important to note that the only reason that he feels that this dynamic is acceptable is because you allow it to persist.  As a result, the time frame in which he is comfortable with this arrangement may severely outlast the time in which you are willing to wait for a concrete relationship to congeal . If you want the dynamic to change, you have to change your actions.  Decide to be just friends, with nothing physical taking place between the two of you or you have to develop a very high level of patience.  Either way the choice is yours.

I hope this helps.  

For more info, please refer to Chapters, 14 and 15 in The Dating Man’s Mind, entitled “Friends With Benefits” and “Labels”, respectively.

The Book may be found here…

http://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-dating-mans-mind-zack-cleckler/1113643822?ean=2940013768512

and here…

http://www.amazon.com/Dating-Mans-Mind-think-ebook/dp/B006WCRBW0/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1352420791&sr=1-1&keywords=the+dating+mans+mind

In this situation it is very important to evaluate how you see yourself in his future.  

As you know, in (relationships, especially those that have weathered the test of time) intense, dramatic and life altering situations are bound to occur…as they have with you and your boyfriend. This has also given you insight into how he deals with stress and times of intense difficulty.  He reacted by shutting you out and then finding an alternate female companion during the interim.  More importantly, when the situation was over, you allowed him to return without incident. By doing so, this gives him no choice but to believe that his actions were acceptable to you.

Dramatic situations are bound to occur again. It is human nature to encounter adversity. Another family member may become ill.  Your boyfriend may lose his job. Hopefully, these things will not happen, although the possibilities of drama, stress and struggle still exist. You must decide for yourself if you are willing to deal with how he is going to react.  More importantly, you have to decide if you deserve to deal with his reactions.

— I hope this helps.  

I often encounter female friends who feel that their male counterparts have commitment issues.

After hearing their concerns, a commonality is that men and women have two entirely different methods in which commitment is displayed.  A vast majority of men commit through their actions.  Much like your male friend, they will cease romantic interactions with other females and make conscious attempts to be supportive and romantic towards you.  As men, we do not view a title as a definite sign of our loyalty towards a significant other.  There are many a man who are willing to say that you are his girlfriend, although he still acts in an aloof manner and pursues the interest of other women.

It is your prerogative to establish what commitment means to you. I urge you to not overlook his actions in lieu of a title. At the same time, if he is not willing to divulge the re-established relationship to his family and friends; That may show that his feelings are not as strong. Hopefully, the positive actions will outweigh the negative. 

I hope this helps.